30-07-18

How fast? How fast one can go? How to overcome every single shit that is still stucked on my mind? I tried. I tried. I tried. And I did. I loved again. It's somehow selfish but I loved for myself. But I can't love myself. Ironic? Pretty much. And now, I can no longer see myself alone and independent without you, S.

I understand that this is hard as hell and loving someone like me is like jumping off the cliff without any water to fall on to. I know you're scared, and so am I. Anxieties? Depressions? Weaked heart? Insecurities? Heartless brain? Name it. I got it all. But somehow, you happened. You came. Then .. I saw a glimpse of light from afar but it was enough. It is enough. You are enough. An enough reason for me to keep going and to fight. My monsters are way worst than your said "demons", but, you stayed. I appreciate that. I am glad. I am thankful. I was happy that moment, and still happy today.

But .. Shit. I have a lot of buts and whys and hows and they never end. Anddd, I fucking know why. I know how hard it is to love someone like me. I know how this kind of thing works and loving is not my thing, and not even for me. 

I know. I heared. You told me you're already falling but .. when? until when? Like, how? Andd, why? It's so damn impossible for someone like you to love someone like me. And it makes my heart sink as I continue to hope that it might be, it might be .. somehow .. possible. 

I stopped praying for myself a long time ago but .. you changed everything. I've learnt to look up to myself again and I'm even trying to love myself so when the time comes that you're already there, I can love you with all of what I have. Even though I have nothing to offer, even if you don't deserve this douche, I know one day, you'll be okay and I'll be okay and we can be together and we can love higher than heavens. We can be invincible.