13-08-18
I was actually trying to run this blog in a consistent timeline but today, I can't. Suddenly, I can't. I'm still on the process of writing my two other blogs but I stopped as I don't want those to have this negativity.
You know what? Sometimes, well, there are a lot of times that I don't know what to feel or how to feel. But .. again .. this kind of moment .. I felt it again. Do you know how I take my insensitivity as an advantage because I may or may not feel anything. And that would be a plus. This is one of the reasons why feeling things ain't my thing. This shitty feeling is the reason why I keep everything to myself. Because once I let it all out, it'll never be the same.
Do you happen to know the feeling of showing everything you could and giving everything you have but then again, it'll fail? You will fail .. over and over and over again. It keeps on repeating. It's never ending. But because you're expert in being an idiot, you'll keep on trying again .. even if you know you'll still fail .. down to your bones.
My heart is pounding, it aches .. but on the negativity. It is now showing my vulnerability. That vulnerability I kept hidden and was buried a long time ago. I don't know what's up with me after I read her last message.
It feels like no matter how hard I try to keep everything together, no matter how I convince myself that we could work things out and try keeping as intact as can be .. my brain is currently failing.
I know, love, you're a pusher. I know how you tend to push people away even though you want them to stay. But please know that I am a goer. Was a goer. Used to be a goer. As for the first time in my life, I hoped. I hoped that because I got you, I'm no longer be going. I believed. I believed that we can do this, us against the universe as all the heavens are with us .. right?
But why you keep on pushing me .. away? Don't you wanna keep me? I really am trying, and giving my best to understand your all .. I even stopped my brain just not to think about us breaking .. I feel like we're years already and I never wanted to lose you ever since the day we talked. But why, babe? Don't you know how much it hurts every time you push me away. Yea. I am a goer. I am a goer as nobody wanted me to stay ... how about you?
Please do understand that I never want to leave but why you keep on pushing me away? Why don't you just embrace my love wholeheartedly? 'Cause you're scared? 'Cause the sentiments of the past will always be the sentiments of the future? It also applies to me .. ya know? It's like .. no matter how hard I try to give my all, you see them but you're still stuck with everything that had happened with your past .. right?
Sometimes, I don't now what to feel anymore. I'm not complaining, I'm even grateful that you loved me back and all. It's .. just .. that .. no matter how hard I try, no matter how much love I give .. it'll never suffice .. it'll never be enough .. to anyone .. and maybe .. even to you.
I'm actually exhausted of asking the universe my whys and giving them my buts. But here I am again, here I am still.
I really do love you .. but, I have no idea how you actually wanted to be loved. I'm sorry, love. I'm deeply sorry I have all these questions and all. I'm sorry I'm feeling this shits. I'm sorry it hurts.
You know what? Sometimes, well, there are a lot of times that I don't know what to feel or how to feel. But .. again .. this kind of moment .. I felt it again. Do you know how I take my insensitivity as an advantage because I may or may not feel anything. And that would be a plus. This is one of the reasons why feeling things ain't my thing. This shitty feeling is the reason why I keep everything to myself. Because once I let it all out, it'll never be the same.
Do you happen to know the feeling of showing everything you could and giving everything you have but then again, it'll fail? You will fail .. over and over and over again. It keeps on repeating. It's never ending. But because you're expert in being an idiot, you'll keep on trying again .. even if you know you'll still fail .. down to your bones.
My heart is pounding, it aches .. but on the negativity. It is now showing my vulnerability. That vulnerability I kept hidden and was buried a long time ago. I don't know what's up with me after I read her last message.
It feels like no matter how hard I try to keep everything together, no matter how I convince myself that we could work things out and try keeping as intact as can be .. my brain is currently failing.
I know, love, you're a pusher. I know how you tend to push people away even though you want them to stay. But please know that I am a goer. Was a goer. Used to be a goer. As for the first time in my life, I hoped. I hoped that because I got you, I'm no longer be going. I believed. I believed that we can do this, us against the universe as all the heavens are with us .. right?
But why you keep on pushing me .. away? Don't you wanna keep me? I really am trying, and giving my best to understand your all .. I even stopped my brain just not to think about us breaking .. I feel like we're years already and I never wanted to lose you ever since the day we talked. But why, babe? Don't you know how much it hurts every time you push me away. Yea. I am a goer. I am a goer as nobody wanted me to stay ... how about you?
Please do understand that I never want to leave but why you keep on pushing me away? Why don't you just embrace my love wholeheartedly? 'Cause you're scared? 'Cause the sentiments of the past will always be the sentiments of the future? It also applies to me .. ya know? It's like .. no matter how hard I try to give my all, you see them but you're still stuck with everything that had happened with your past .. right?
Sometimes, I don't now what to feel anymore. I'm not complaining, I'm even grateful that you loved me back and all. It's .. just .. that .. no matter how hard I try, no matter how much love I give .. it'll never suffice .. it'll never be enough .. to anyone .. and maybe .. even to you.
I'm actually exhausted of asking the universe my whys and giving them my buts. But here I am again, here I am still.
I really do love you .. but, I have no idea how you actually wanted to be loved. I'm sorry, love. I'm deeply sorry I have all these questions and all. I'm sorry I'm feeling this shits. I'm sorry it hurts.